Guest Post I: The Dumbest Commercial I’ve Ever Seen

Jake is a graduate student at the University of Minnesota. He graduated from Macalester in 2004. Jake and Tyler first met each other in the fall of 2000 at Macalester, and have since been housemates, roommates, playmates, and occasional lovers.

(Note: All links besides the video were provided by Tyler.)

As a mass communications graduate student, I pay an inordinate amount of attention to media. I realize that is not the way most people operate. In my advertising class, one of the themes we continually stress is the difficulty of breaking through media clutter and getting people to actually pay attention to an advertisement. We watch TV while playing on our laptops, listening to music, pouring ourselves another Beam on the rocks in a futile attempt to forget memories that will last a lifetime, and generally doing things orthogonal to any sort of meaningful attention being paid to our happy glowing friends. Nevertheless, even a passing glance at a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial is enough to realize that these commercials are the dumbest, most asinine commercials in the world. They appeal to the lowest possible denominator of human intelligence. I honestly believe that if you genuinely enjoy Buffalo Wild Wings commercials, there is no way we could ever be friends. I consider it a bigger indictment on your character than being a Republican, an Evangelist, or a convicted felon.

While there are a number of retarded Buffalo Wild Wings commercials I could choose from, for me, one stands out above the rest. It involves a basketball game, some very ignorant fans, and of course, the requisite shot to the balls sequence. Let’s take a look:

If this is your first time watching the commercial, your reaction is probably somewhere between ‘neutral’ and ‘generally annoyed’. At least I hope it is. In hopes of enlightening you about the idiocy of the commercial (although most likely just adding strength to your long-standing assessment that I am, in fact, the exhibitor of the aforementioned idiocy), I’m going to break it down second by second. Note that in the youtube clip, the commercial starts at second four.

Second four: The commercial starts harmlessly enough. New York (playing Boston) ties the game on a slam dunk with six seconds left.

Second five: The commercial cuts to a Buffalo Wild Wings, frequented by a number of both Boston and New York fans. Inexplicably though, they’re all ecstatically cheering and clapping. Why in God’s name would the Boston fans be clapping and cheering, when their team just got violently dunked on by their arch-rivals to tie the game with six seconds left? How retarded do you have to be to break into joyous applause when your team has just blown a game? Unless of course you’re a Timberwolves fan, and your team is intentionally losing to try and get a higher draft pick.

Second eight: The shot then cuts to two men laughing and holding each other in a semi-homoerotic pose. One is a New York fan, one a Boston fan. The Boston fan turns to the New York fan and yells out exuberantly “Man, I wish this game would never end!” So let me get this straight, you ass clown: Your team has just given up a lead and potentially blown what would seem to be a big win (given that the bar is packed with fans who are all cheering wildly, albeit naively, for their teams, we can safely assume this is a big game), and you happily turn to your friend to declare that you wish the game would never end? ARE YOU THE DUMBEST Mother F***** ALIVE?

Second twelve: The bartender is commanded to send the game to overtime, by an equally moronic Boston fan. So, your team has the ball in a tie game with six seconds left, and your request is for the game to go into overtime? Either you have an uncanny ability to predict when your team will commit an unlikely turnover and lose the game in regulation, or your brain is the size of a walnut. If you’re eating at Buffalo Wild Wings, I’m going to safely assume the latter.

Second fifteen: The bartender somehow possesses the ability to alter the outcome of professional basketball games. Hey, I didn’t know Tim Donaghy worked at Buffalo Wild Wings? ZING!

Second twenty-three: A camera man at the game, after receiving a page from Donaghy, flashes a bright light that blinds a Boston player who was about to score on a breakaway and win the game. Seems completely logical. Of course, one might question whether perhaps there might be some ramifications to a camera man, directly under the basket, blinding a player on national TV? Was he removed from the stadium? Was he arrested? Did he get immediately pummeled by a hoard of angry Boston players? No. The game just went on as normal, evidenced by the fact that he makes another appearance (this time sitting at center court), seconds later. So his only punishment for potentially permanently blinding a player and costing his team the game is to be moved from under the basket to center court. Sure, why not.

Next, it is a bit strange that, off an inbounds play, there is not a New York player within 30 feet of the soon-to-be-blinded-so-dip-&%!#-s-at-Buffalo-Wild-Wings-can-drink-another-Miller-Lite Boston player. Somehow, in a tie game, New York allows Boston to run unscathed down the court on a breakaway to seemingly win the game. Alright.

Finally, Donaghy somehow already knows that Boston will get this unmolested breakaway, as he is supremely confident his page to the cameraman will work. Wait a second, BARTENDERS AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE?!? HOLY SHIT!

Second twenty-five: More wild Boston applause, after their player just blew a sure victory by getting blinded and running head first into the base of the basket. I mean, if you’re not going to cheer at that, when are you going to cheer?

Second thirty: Boston AGAIN is within seconds of potentially winning, possessing the ball with just a few seconds left. Somehow, I have this strange feeling an unlikely turn of events is going to occur preventing them from winning the game. And sure enough, I was right! The aforementioned camera man has moved to center court, near the Boston mascot. With Boston holding the ball as time runs down, the whole crowd is on their feet cheering, except for the mascot, who has decided the final seconds of a tie game in overtime seems like a good time to fire t-shirts into the crowd. Unfortunately, he too gets blinded by that son of a b**** cameraman, and (amazingly!) turns toward the court and fires a t-shirt that hits a Boston player about to catch a pass squarely in the nuts. What are the odds!!! Of course, in the ultimate irony for the unfortunate t-shirt to the nuts victim, you’ll notice that the clock has struck zero as the basketball is being delivered to him. Even if he hadn’t gotten hit in the junk, his shot wouldn’t have counted. That poor team just can’t catch a break!

Second thirty-three: The Buffalo Wild Wings logo is shown, along with their phrase: “you have to be here.” Well, next time I want to watch my team blow numerous opportunities to win a game, see one of my team’s players get permanently blinded and another be stripped of the ability to have children, and witness a psychic, evil bartender orchestrate the entire scenario with the touch of a button, I’ll be there.

Tyler again:
Do you have a favorite commercial or one you wonder how it ever made it out of the creative meeting? Find a link if you can and post it in the comments.